My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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