my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
