Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
