There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
