I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
