im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
