Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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