I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
