I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
one might say we're banned from that church
if only i could text you this smell
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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