Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
