If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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