I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
