people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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