One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
