the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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