I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
