I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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