The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...