I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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