today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
