dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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