I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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