I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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