i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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