btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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