I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
