as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
