what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
