Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
