why do cheetos always look like penises
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
