Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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