we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
