I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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