i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
