just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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