nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i've created a new STD.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
