And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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