everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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