I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
