hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
