I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
