I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
