he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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