So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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