Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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