Four minutes until I can fart!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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