there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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