I feel great
I just peed on a car
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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