i think my tv is drunk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
