I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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