does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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