just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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