i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
