So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
