You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
