Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
