If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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