Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
