I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
