I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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