First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
