We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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