i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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