I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
